Why I Love Anger
Greetings my fellow adventurers!
I love anger. Yes, I know. It seems like a strange thing to say. I never would have expected myself to say those words given the family I grew up in. My father was a highly anxious neurosurgeon who expressed and coped with his anxiety by raging at his family. I was well into my adult years before I realized his rage was born from anxiety vs. cruelty or meanness. When I had that realization, my forgiveness for him was immediate. Still, as a Highly Sensitive child, his rage would impact my nervous system like a wildfire rampaging and it scared me. I immediately became overwhelmed and shut down. My greatest desire was to shrink and make myself as small as possible. “Don’t be a target!” was my mantra and coping strategy.
Fast forward to my adult years as I began to heal my childhood trauma and learn how to regulate my own emotions. The key was discovering how to regulate my nervous system. Before I get to that, first I’d like to return to why I love anger.
Let’s begin by understanding there are no ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ emotions. You've probably heard this but may not believe it. Anger, like sadness, joy or fear are all internal resources that inform us as to the appropriate response to any given situation. It’s natural to feel sad when a loved one dies. It’s natural to feel joy at the birth of your child. It is natural to feel fear when walking down a dark alley alone at night. Therefore, it is natural to feel anger under certain circumstances.
Anger loudly rings the alarm bell telling us something is not right. A violation has occurred. Here are a few examples that come to mind. Anger tells you someone crossed a personal or work boundary. Anger screams out against social injustice, cruelty, unfair treatment, poverty, loss, lack of consideration, disrespect, abuse. Thank you, anger.
Anger is clarifying. When the energy of anger arises, it offers us the ability to find clarity on an issue. When I was in my twenties working as a sales rep I hated it when my manager went on calls with me. At first, I couldn’t pinpoint my discomfort. One day it became clear. My manager was a liar. He would say whatever he thought the client needed to hear in order to make the sale. This made me angry because I knew our company couldn’t provide the services he promised. I felt complicit to this injustice, as if I was also a liar. After repeatedly confronting my manager in a calm professional manner, I realized he wouldn’t change. For my own sense of integrity, it became clear I had to leave the company.
Anger is energizing. Like all emotions, which essentially are energy, anger arises to tell us that we need to act. Have you ever noticed it’s the opposite of depression? When we are depressed we often collapse and move around in slow motion like a sloth. Admittedly, sloths are mighty cute and loveable. But what happens when suddenly there is reason to get angry? We find ourselves energized. This is also true when we are scared or anxious. Anger comes on the scene as one option to change our current state of being.
Anger is motivating. How often have I said to myself, ‘I’ve had enough? I’m changing this situation!” For those of you my age and older, you may remember the movie Network News. It’s late at night and someone in a high-rise apartment opens his window and shouts, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” Window after window opens up as other residents shout out the same sentiment. Maybe it’s time you yelled out the window.
Anger tells us we’ve had enough. It’s time to take charge of the situation. I can’t tell you how many times anger guided me out of personal or professional situations in which I felt disempowered, discouraged, defeated or depressed. Anger arrived at the scene like a super hero endowing me with strength I didn’t realize was in me.
So, yes. I’m a fan of anger. But let me be clear. While I love anger, I also view it as a fire that, if not closely monitored, can turn into a wildfire of rage. If not expressed in a productive way, it can burn down a valued relationship. It can turn into abuse. It can motivate a person to get out of his car at a stoplight and beat up the man in the other car. Worse. To shoot a person in traffic because he cut you off. True stories. This is why we are afraid of anger. It is most often not expressed in a healthy way.
When I was in my thirties and married, my husband and I fought frequently. The things he would say would push my buttons and light me on fire. Outraged and indignant, I would spew innumerable inarticulate words at him in the most unproductive way. It was no surprise given what was modeled to me as a child. One day I decided to ‘use my words’ like we tell toddlers. I used my words to simply name and state my emotion. I was sweeping in the kitchen; my now ex-husband made an inflammatory remark. While furiously increasing the rate of my sweeping arms, I repeatedly said out loud, “I’m mad. I’m mad at you. Yes. I am very mad, in fact.” My body and nervous system calmed down. This was progress.
The real turnaround was when I learned to speak on behalf of my angry part, not from that part. In order to speak on behalf rather than from, you must first feel the anger inside your body even if it’s uncomfortable. You make internal space to listen to what that part has to say and then you convey its message without torching the other person. When you feel the anger, it allows you to process it and then get clear on what’s wrong. Think of it this way. You’re a lawyer representing a client who was arrested at a human rights rally. Your client is still on fire with her anger. She wants you to convey the passionate reasons she wanted to express at the rally while spitting in the police officer’s face. As an attorney, you wouldn’t express your client’s indignant anger emotionally in court. Instead, you would speak in a composed manner on behalf of that client.
Sound like a big order? It is. I am not saying that learning to do this is easy any means. Like anything else, it requires first, a decision, second a great deal of practice. If you get angry to the boiling point, that is not the time to express anger. Give yourself time to cool off. If instead, when you get angry you are more prone to stuffing it or suppressing it, you have a different challenge. You are scared to feel and express your anger because it may cause conflict. You may be punished. You may fear that you might even lose that relationship. So, first of all, you must internally validate your right to experience this very natural emotion we call anger. Give yourself permission to feel anger. Take the time to understand why this part of you is angry. Validate the feelings. Then, you can step in as the attorney and advocate for your right to be heard.
Circling back to my father. When in his early sixties, he stopped doing five surgeries a day five days a week, his nervous system calmed down dramatically. He became more kind, empathetic, and compassionate. So much so that I asked my sister, Ann, “Who is this nice man, and what did they do with my father?” It was then I understood he was full of rage all the time because he was constantly overwhelmed, anxious and his nervous system was wracked with stress. It occurred to me that he was actually a Highly Sensitive Person who didn’t know how to calm himself. And I can't tell you how many HSPs I have worked with over the years who didn't know how to regulate their sensitive nervous system. It's not your fault.
Can you lend a compassionate ear toward your anger? You anger is not your demon. It is a friend who cares. It is a friend who wants to help you. I encourage you to begin the process of befriending it. Or, as the Buddhists would recommend, invite it for a cup of tea. Get to know it. You don’t have to love it. But you do need to respect its role.
In the meantime, I encourage all of my introverted and/or Highly Sensitive friends and clients to keep learning how to regulate your nervous system. It starts with owning, rather than avoiding, your emotions. I am also a big fan of meditating, relaxing or finding a fun exercise or sport. Most importantly, keep up your social connections especially with those who are trustworthy and can create space for you to be yourself.
If you’d like to learn more about the tools I offer as a coach to regulate the nervous system, click here and schedule a discovery call.
Take good care of that good heart of yours,
Martina xx
